Sequel to Poképroblems…

I thought a trio of issues to be needlessly attacked sufficed, but as I can think of more, how about I dive into them? After all, you did decide to read this, and I’d be offended for you to close this tab now (or window if you live in the times before electricity and use IE6).

4. “6 items or less.”
Problem: An easy way out of the Pokémon League (or any other difficult battle) when you can’t be bothered to train would be to stock up on revives and full restores, in other words sucking up the infinite medicinal resources from the region’s market economy. What would be an even easier way would be to stock up on Pokémon, so you have quite literally an army for your now shaken foes to bring down. The invention of the Pokéball would make it possible, but for some reason, after a somewhat arbitrary six, your Pokéballs (and residing Pokémon) migrate to a computer system with such efficiency that Facebook Chat could only dream of. This brings part B of the problem: how does that box system work? Seriously?
Answer: I did mention on part one that you’re overweight to tie up the last plothole. Perhaps with this comes physical weakness, and you are unable to carry a heavy seven Pokéballs but 6 lots of 99 lots of full restores, who knows? As for the magical system that transports material to data, let’s just say they have the mother of all internet connections.

5. “Sex, drugs, and 8-bit rock ‘n’ roll!”
Problem: I did breed a lot of Pokémon in my youth, and in my experimentation I discovered a bad truth: you can breed Pokémon in a way that would probably seriously damage the IQ and finger count of humans. You know what I mean. Furthermore the legal system for whatever region the game is set in doesn’t really have any problems with the game’s anabolic steroids, which obviously means that that every citizen, Pokémon, animal, mineral, and vegetable is constantly high on every type of drug at all times! This is not the influence that we want for the child audience, and a rationalisation is demanded.
Answer: Despite the computers and whatnot, the Pokémon series is actually set in the 1960s, where everything goes. Everything.

6. “I have the Poké Balls to catch you.”
Problem: With the exception of that rogue Pikachu, Poké Balls are the homes of Pokémon. Please, don’t tell me you have not questioned the programme. How does it work? How do they fit? Does it work with other living things? Can I keep my children in them? Do they still need feeding in it? Do they like it? Does PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Pokémon) piss people off about them? What is its primary purpose?
Answer: Pokémon goes in. Pokémon goes in, no further questions. No. No. No. Sure. Of course. To masturbate in peace.

Yes, this whole semi-thought-up false rant eventually dissolved into a poor wank joke. No, you will not get those five minutes back.

A while ago, I mentioned my purchase of Pokémon HeartGold and a shorter while ago I completed it. My experience of that version and its many predecessors I have owned (which all follow essentially the same routine) have left me with a few queries about the realism. That’s right, I’m going to attack the realism of handheld console games involving monsters designed for children.

1. “I have a hostage!”
Problem: Team Rocket (or whatever the antagonists are these days), they fail because of their business plan:
1. Arrange an army of unarmed grunts (but with Pokémon).
2. Invade an important building with weirdly no internal security, take the CEO hostage, and wait until your Pokémon have been defeated by a ten year old.
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
What kind of idiots are they? They can’t be American, as they are unarmed. They can’t be French, as they invaded. They can’t be Japanese, as they’re stupid.
Answer: They have no political or economical motivation, the whole regime is just for teh lolz.

2. “Yes! You’ve fainted! Now to catch y—”
Problem: If I’m not mistaken, I bet most of us (as children) originally thought that making a Pokémon lose its HP killed it, even though it blatantly said the Pokémon has fainted (perhaps it was only my unobservant eyes). When you’re trying to catch one, you are set a challenge to get the HP pretty low without letting it faint. A challenge is a challenge, but it doesn’t explain why you can’t catch a fainted Pokémon. If you chase me, you could probably catch me. If you shoot me, you could catch me quicker. If you throw a rock and knock me out, you’ve essentially caught me. This is not a trivial problem, this has lost me many potential catches, and I demand a solution.
Answer: The wild Pokémon in question actually die from the violence your team has inflicted upon them, the game just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

3. “I would like to be the Pokémon World Champion but this fucking tree is in the way.”
Problem: You approach the next town with mild excitement (minor excitement if the game is a remake), but what’s this? There’s a goddamn tree/rock/Snorlax in the way! Oh, don’t worry, I’ll just climb it/walk over it/shoot it. What? I need a special HM? Fuck off, I’m doing this the easy way. Alas, the game prohibits the easy way.
Answer: The game doesn’t want to show it, but you’re a really overweight, and climbing a tree will not work this time. You’re so overweight that your Machamp won’t even give you a bunk up. As for the poaching of a Snorlax, there’s no guns in this game.

This sort of rant does not come from rational men, it appears there’s something deep down—anger at something from the past, perhaps—that wants me to rip some plotholes out of such an epic game series. Or, more likely, I am just bored and realised that this site deserves a post once in a while.