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Results…

19/8/2011

The final round. The deciding round. Here they are:

Maths: A*
574/600 UMS
Physics: A*
567/600 UMS
Chemistry: A*
571/600 UMS

I’m absolutely delighted, and into my course of Mathematics and Physics at Warwick. I did an AS in further maths this year, and got an A, so that takes me up to A*A*A*abb overall with the lower case being AS-levels. Unfortunately a fair few of my friends didn’t get what they needed, and were thrown out even with a differential of one grade. Well done to everyone and best of luck to those sorting it out!

And I understand the rules, my results make me officially a wanker.

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Downfall of London

11/8/2011

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The attacks on London by rioting youths was thought to be a minor problem that could be dealt by a large number of riot police. This was underestimated, and the army was ordered to be called in by the leader, David Cameron, who returned from a retreat in Italy to a heavily guarded bunker under the House of Commons. No army arrived, and the increasing momentum of the rioters will encircle London in a day, two days at the most. The revelation to the leader, David Cameron, is recorded in the following text:

Clegg: The enemy has made a breakthrough. They took Tottenham, Wood Green and Enfield in the north, Brixton in the south, and are advancing to the centre.
Cameron: The army’s assault to take care of things.
Clegg: My leader…we…
Hague: We couldn’t mobilise enough men. The army wasn’t deployed.
**A noticeable silence occurs as Cameron takes in this information.**
Cameron: These men will remain: Osborne, Hague, Clegg, and Johnson.
**All members of the cabinet leave the strategy room in the bunker except those listed.**
Cameron: That was an order! The deployment of the army was an order! Who do you think you are to disobey an order from me? So this is what it has come to. Everyone’s been lying to me! Even the Metropolitan Police! Our officers are a bunch of contemptible, disloyal cowards!
Johnson: My leader, I cannot permit you to insult the police.
Cameron: They are cowards, traitors and failures!
Johnson: My leader, this is outrageous.
Cameron: Our officers are the scum of the British people. Not a shred of honour! They call themselves officers! Years at a police academy only to set at the desk filing paperwork and fire the odd rubber bullet! For years the Metropolitan Police has hindered my plans! They’ve put every obstacle in my way! What I should have done was to cut every high ranking job in the police force, as Sarkozy did!
**A brief pause as Cameron appears to calm.**
Cameron: I never went to a police academy. Yet I managed to bring order in Britain all by myself. I’ve been betrayed and deceived from the very beginning. What a monstrous betrayal of the British people. But they’ll pay, they’ll pay with their own blood! They will drown in their own blood!
**Outside the room, a crying Mrs Cameron is told to calm herself. Mr Cameron’s tone is distinctly quieter.**
Cameron: My orders have fallen of deaf ears. Under these circumstances, I am no longer able to lead. It’s over. The war is lost. But, gentlemen, if you think I’m going to leave London, you are seriously mistaken. I’d rather blow my brains out. Do whatever you like.

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